Chapter 5:One Secret to Love Success

I am a hardcore admirer of Oprah Winfrey. I watched her talk shows as much as I could and buy her magazines when I can afford to. Her eyes talk and filled with compassion and urgency to create awareness touched on every neccessaties in life; Global warming, Womens right, Spiritual, Books, Love, Home, Family, Health and more… and not forgetting her generosities to those people in need. She gave children hope and rescues them from their broken home and she is really a lady hero; giving illed-life children chances to make changes in their life by finding out talents inside of them and she is quick to let their talents to be shown to the world; to give them the great experience and joyous moment in their life time. To me, she is bringing the message to every one of us and it pierced right straight into my heart, that they are resilient and show that everything is possible as long as you have a dream and hope and the courage to thrive on. Another message she is trying to show the world, in my point of view is never to take things and other people around you for granted. Love them and treasure them is indeed, one of the keys to bring harmony in this world and show gratitude; to appreciate.

Speaking about Appreciation. I love to relate this to,  especially… Relationship.

I came across this very interesting topic shown in her talk show, where she invited M. Gary Neuman as her guest speaker. He is a marriage counselor, who conducted a new research on “Why Men Cheat”. Much to my surprise (or rather I shouldn’t have to, ’cause it has becoming a norm to me that men cheat), it was reported that estimation of “… 1 out of 2.7 men will cheat – and most of their wives will never know about it.” He written a book The Truth About Cheating. He gathered hundreds of faithful and cheating husbands to conduct a  survey so as to achieve REAL Reasons on why some men stray. Once again, as according to him, that the purpose of his book and findings is not about finding fault in the wives, but to empower wives… to empower women.

This is the one of the articles I read from the show and what men have to say:

What’s the number one reason men cheat? 92% of men said it wasn’t primarily about the sex. “The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures,” Gary says. “Men are very emotional beings. They just don’t look like that. Or they don’t seem like that. Or they don’t tell you that.”

Josh says he cheated on his wife, Jennifer, because he felt underappreciated at home and started feeling insecure. “That insecurity was really the catalyst,” he says. “I didn’t feel comfortable going to the one person in the world I should be going to, which is my wife.”

With daily worries like bills, children and chores, Gary says it’s easy for couples to drift away from appreciating one another like they should. Gary says the other woman often makes the man feel better about himself. “[She] makes them feel different. Makes them feel appreciated, admired,” he says. “Men look strong, look powerful and capable. But on the inside, they’re insecure like everybody else. They’re searching and looking for somebody to build them up to make them feel valued.” “

And Gary added, “Don’t be afraid to praise your partner or tell him that you appreciate what he does, Gary says. “We get married because we want one person in the world to really think we’re wonderful for doing all the things that we do. We all want the same thing,” he says. “And the more we give it, the more we get it in return.”"

In Gary’s research he also found that 88% of the men surveyed cheated on the other women who were not better looking or better shaped than their own wives. SURPRISE, SURPRISE.

One of the men he surveyed had a rocky relationship with his wife. He claimed that they both were, as if living a separate life; living in a separate parts of the house. He cheated on his wife with someone who began to take interest in whatever things he has in his life and was there for him, caring for him in the most vunerable part of his life.

And therefore Gary said in the show:

“Every couple will eventually face certain life changes, but Gary urges couples to think back about the interest they took in one another when they were first dating or newlyweds. “Everybody deserves that. Everybody wants that,” Gary says. “Because it’s not about the sex, what everyone’s been made to believe. Anybody, no matter how you look, can be admiring and kind and warm and give you that extra little pump and that extra kindness and hang on your words.”"

Gary studies shown that only 7% of men who strayed told their wives without being approached. 55% of men have either not told their wives or LIED after being confronted with HARD EVIDENCE. “I kind of tell people, ‘If you’re going to wait for him to come tell you, go buy a lottery ticket, because you like playing against the odds,’” Gary says.

It’s straight forward enough… When you know your husband is cheating on you, confront your husband, assure them that you still have trust in him and be ready to talk about the problems arises.

In the article wrote:

“Just as the little things are often signs that something is wrong, the little things can also help rebuild relationships, Gary says. For example, if a man tries to make breakfast and burns the toast, Gary suggests staying positive. “[Men] want to feel like they’re pleasing their wives. … When you give him the message mainly that you screwed up, then believe it or not, it makes him feel insecure. [He thinks,] ‘I can’t win,’” Gary says. “Engender the good feeling of the trying and the effort that he’s made. That’s where the love really is.”“

I read on:

“Katherine calls in to ask Gary about her suspicions that her husband cheated on her.

“One night I saw his phone on the counter and I looked at it, and it somehow came right to this picture of him naked and aroused from the waist down. … I asked him about it. He denied anything. He said he took the picture to send to me, which I know is a big fat lie because I wouldn’t approve. And so that was one thing. And then I’ve also seen e-mails from women from Russia, wanting him to be their lovers.”

Katherine says she has tried tracking him with a GPS unit and installing spyware on his computer, but he found both and disabled them. Gary says Katherine should try getting him to submit to a lie detector test. “Obviously we all think here that he’s up to no good,” Gary says. “The question, Katherine, that you have to face, and this is hard for a woman: Do you want to know?”

Gary says the truth can be very difficult for women to face because it could be the end of their marriage and the beginning of a painful divorce. Gary says the cheater’s lying is really the ultimate betrayal. “I say to men, look, do yourself a bigger favor, be honest with your wife when you’re just beginning to get interested in somebody else. Sit down with your wife and say, ‘Listen. Something is wrong,’” Gary says.

“If you suspect your husband is cheating, Gary says there are unobtrusive ways of investigating, such as looking at cell phone records or computer histories, or try using an automobile GPS tracking device if necessary. But first, find out if GPS tracking is legal in your state. “

“In his research as a marriage counselor and for The Truth About Cheating, Gary says he found several signs that a husband is cheating.

• He spends more time away from the house.
• You have less sex.
• He avoids contact.
• He does not answer his cell phone.
• He criticizes you more.

“Not only are these the signs that he’s cheating,” Gary says, “but they’re the same signs for when he is about to cheat—because I’m very interested in prevention. So if he’s starting to do that, either he’s cheating or you should bring it up because he might be about to cheat. It’s a precursor.”

Gary says another precursor to a man’s cheating is when he suddenly cannot stop talking about another woman. “So many women, when they find out their husbands cheat, they know right away who he’s been cheating with because he’s been talking about her,” Gary says. “He’s been talking about lunch and the project and they’re building things together, whatever. They’re doing all kinds of stuff together.”"

Another case studies that I’m absolutely excited about and should be warning is:

“Lisa says she discovered her husband, Matt, was cheating on her when their nanny accidentally found his open e-mail account with more than 200 messages from his lover. She promptly told Lisa.

Gary says men often try to hide their cheating, even if the relationship has ended, because they cannot bear the guilt and are trying to cover it up. But if they are confronted by their wives, he says they need to come clean…but not necessarily about everything. “There’s a very negative effect to telling everything, even if you as a woman must know,” he says.

Gary says the best questions for a woman to ask are ones that will help her get a full picture of what happened and how to protect herself in the future. Gary says these are questions like: Who is she? Where did you meet her? How long ago did it happen? Do you still have anything to do with her? Do you still love her?

The questions to avoid are those that focus on specifics. A cheated-on woman should absolutely not ask: Did you tell her the same things you told me? Was she better at sex than me? What color underwear did she wear?

“It’s very hard to get further past that when you have all that information,” Gary says. “And here’s the bottom line that a woman has to understand if you’re going forward in this relationship and he’s confessing and he’s remorseful, and that is he was screwed up before. He made a mistake. He knows that. … But right now he’s saying, ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I really messed up.’”"

Isn’t it awesome? At least we learnt something here through this article I read from Oprah Winfrey.

And speaking about the things we’ve learnt here, in my case is I can’t be more than agree that APPRECIATION towards each other is crucial in relationship. Be it just an attached or marriage. And when I mentioned the word “Appreciation”, I’m not just referring merely to men, but women too; Everyone of us. Simply because we are just a human being with emotional being, who loves being Appreciated and love being loved.

Here is my real life experience I have personally witnessed through a great friends of mine.

One sunny afternoon, my girlfriend invited all of us to have a potluck in her “Palace” (yeah, her house is huge.. I mean her then fiance’s house).  Her fiance was around and it was only my 2nd time seeing  him. He has a great voice, loves to joke, chirppy, a bit active and extremely friendly towards everyone of us. He made the effort to get to know every single one of us girls (My God, there are almost 11 of us) and make sure we feel at home. He is a gentleman (he doesn’t look like one though, cause he really like an hyperactive man).

Putting aside his qualities,  I’ve come to realise there is something between them that I rarely seen  in any other couples I know. They have been together for about 7 years or more…. anyway… There was a time, when I went to their kitchen to top up my glass of water, I overheard the couple thanking each other for being there in the small gathering. Most of my gal friends are the most appreciative people I know and I definately know that I am too. I always say ”thank you” to my boy friend for the gifts he has given me, for the food he cooked for me and thanking him for taking care of me… or even thanking him for bringing joy into my life and some other things he might did to melt my heart. So are my gfs to their husband. And this man, which I rarely seen in almost every men i knew, adapt this kind of appreciative attitude, sincerily. Sometimes, of course he replacing his “thank you” with a kiss on her forehead or cheek with the widest smile. During their wedding dinner, when he gave his speech, I remembered vividly he said, “I wanna thank you for her parents for giving birth to such a wonderful woman, who can brings joy into my life. I couldn’t ask for more.” All of us teared with joy. He showed his appreciation in other way like singing a love song for her. Even when we were out with them, they still behaving the same way. Which I realise this quality in them is something that almost every couple don’t have. And these simple, little  GRATITUDES they have towards each other, really strenghtens their marriage life and they know that their “the one” feels treasured; they feel great.

Well, the questions that i really want to find out are personally are whats the real reason for most people, unable to appreciate each other existance most of the times? Is it because we are living in a very fast-paced and stressful world, hence we forget to show gratitude and be thankful for each and every little things the other half did to them? Or is it because we just can’t be bothered and not satisfied in things we already blessed for and asked for more?

Love,

Leo

Chapter 4: The “Single”

Late 20-er women are contemptuously accepting the fact they are still single and this, especially happened when they have nothing under their belt; neither money nor career. They are ones, who are wasting their whole ‘teenage to womenhood’-life- time to find true love and not career, just to find out in the end of the day they were dump for being cheated or… for being not-so-great. No matter how increasing level of commitment they have laid upon the relationships, they’ve got nothing in return. They took pride and as the matter of factly, they are extremely sensitive and have a an utmost respect  towards every single vocabulary in regards to relationships like ’single’, ‘attached’, ‘enganged’ or ‘married’,  “Widower”, “Divorcee”. They abhored “Single (but available)” & “Single (but unavailable)”. Why?

Living in a very high technology world, where we are connected to each other globally so well via the most popular “Facebook”, “Friendster” or whatever you called it, there is a thin line between “Single” and “Attached”. Women like the above will never like to find out their love one to declare “Single” (cause there is no other choice in that “Status” button to choose, if  they are still available or not). But the fact is, does it really matter?

Molley: “It’s the beginning of the happy ending when your man upgrade himself from being Single to Attached, once he is with you. It shows how much you mean the world to him. None other than committed men are willing to put their Singlehood at Stake…. So am I!”

Lola: “Are you kidding me? Of course it does matter! Being single when you have a girl friend? Oh, Come on, what kind of guy you have been hooking up with?”

Kit: “I stumbled upon my boy friend’s “Facebook”, where he claimed he is “Single”. He explained to me that his parents, also a “Facebook”-er disapproved of him being in relationship with me and hence he has to keep it an extreme “hush”. One day, When we walked along the  Orchard Rd, a woman walked over and said, “Hey, Handsome, I know you. You wanted to get my number through Facebook or Friendster, i don’t remember to hang out together. Did you get my reply? And ewh, who is she?”. So! Need to say more?”.

Greg: “When I have my ever-changing flings with at least a period of erm…. a day or maybe a little more? I’ll say ‘Single’. If I’m in relationship where I think it’s not going to work out anyway… I’ll say ‘Single’. More than a year r/s, I’ll say “attached”… Probably…. When I know for sure she is the one, regardless if we are enganged, married or not, I’ll definately put “Married”‘.

Thomas: “Women are like Men, they love status. Women love that kind of “Status” in their relationship to show the whole world, “This men is mine” or “He loves me…. ONLY”. Now, likewise…Men desires “Status” too and it’s especially true when you are in  ’corporate’ world. But when it comes to relationship…. whatever that falls under the category of  ”Single But UNavailable” or “Tying-Whatever-Love-Knot” you named it, is a killer to all man-kind… Especially when you are in your early 20’s to mid-30’s ,when you still have the great stamina to devour every single woman’s “meat” and whatever in-betweens. And FYI, so you know, the ratio between men and women is 3:7 or is it 4:6… Whatever it is, why let yourself down, when there are so many women to try on, to have fun and enjoy the companionship with? And to make yourself less guilty for being casanovas and heart-breakers, try to  say this to yourself, “You will never know how good a car is, ’til you test drive it.” 

Speaking about test-driving, I test-drove a Mini-Cooper S one day with my folks. I drove along a small street, near a shopping mall and while i was waiting for the traffic light to turned green (which took quite sometime, ’til it blinked), I saw a middle-aged man, who was supposedly quite attractive with his working suits,  trying to stop a high heated-up cat-fight between a pretty young lady with vuloptous body with another not-too-far- younger-than-the- man lady and he, himself being in the middle of the 2 women, barely survived from the whole ordeals.

The woman: “You Sluts. You Snatched my husband, you.you… Bitch!!!!!!!!!!!”

The Young woman: “You, withering lady Snatched my fiance instead, You Old Hag. He has a “Complicated’ Relationship with MAYBE YOU! and I rescued him.”

Erm…. In that case…. Does it means….  ”Complicated” ?

Hearing the “Testimonials” about every little single “Status” they might have posted in those Web-Gimmick, I called it, does it really matter to men and women, boys and girls in today’s world; to achieve their each own benefits? Or Will it bring more harmful to relationships and emotional well being?

Chapter 3 : Hard Truth at Hard Times

Things are getting harder and harder at this bad economic time. Probably, the worst ever experienced by me, personally. Retrenchments and salary cut that have been implemented by every companies I know and even some of the most prestigious and huge companies making millions turn over for the past years I got to know through my banking working experiences can’t hide the fact that they too, are not exempted from the budget slashing campaign; people are forced to work 4 days a week with lesser pay, some sales lines having $0 commission regardless they are hitting their target or otherwise and some are forced to work longer hours without extra income and not forgetting being laid if, in the case, they complained.
As for me, being jobless, ,jobless still.
As I sitting at my house void deck with a cup of coffee, writing, I once again looked back (and please, my dearest girl friends. I know you gals have been forbidding me to look back and look forward, but can’t help it), I realised I live my life, only full of regrets and the only question I have been asking myself is the poisonous and result-less (based on the past) is “Why?”. Yeah, I agree that it’s extremely unhealthy and it is a murderous act, on my part.But! That’s the thing about me; never satisfied. In the past, I hunger-ed to get rich by depending on my own capabilities. No one could have imagined, even I landed in the current position, where I just hungry for any job that comes along.
I heard recently that people around me are heading towards the most sought-after career in fashion line. People started asking me what should they do to get things started. As if I knew, else I’m landed in one already. Some already took the step ahead of me by taking courses in one of the most prestigious long-distance fashion designing course from Milan locally. It’s a great deal to me. Total cost for the course itself is $60k, highly recognized certification and of course, you will not have a hard time going anywhere with that sheet of paper. While speaking of that sheet of paper, me being 27 going on 28 in probably 3 months time, still can’t afford that damn sheet of paper (“it’s just a sheet of paper”). Thanks for reminding me how useless I am for the past 10 years, wanted to achieve what I have been wanting to achieve but comes to nought.

Loving Always,

Leo (World Peace)

Chapter 2: The Beginning of the New Beginning

22^nd Feb 2009, Beautiful Sunday Morning (at the start) turned gloomy in the afternoon with thunderstorms.

As if I was born again; I decided to re-activate my swimming regime (eversince, centuries ago) to make myself tired easily at night. Swimming is the only sports I ever adhered; I’ve got to spend time for myself, regain myself, regain my energy, confidence, calm, thoughts, spectacular moods, confidence and most importantly it helps me a lot in keeping my body “intact” (lean). Never will I want to give up that beloved sport.

I felt extremely different today after I got back from my swimming. I felt fresh and energetic, I cleaned up every corner of my bed room. Revamped the whole bed room like my own (my sister has gone to Adelaide, Australia for her studies). Nothing can be more fantastic than that, except I can’t change the colour of the room.

As I packed and cleaned my whole room today, I found many things, which brought me back to the past; Be it great memories or sad. Some of the stuffs I found, belong to me when I was still in High School, which was about 14-15 years ago. Things include all my past relationships, which non of them end up with happy ending.

I started to have pictures of all the bitterness I used to have and how people looked at me; defeated, lost, stupid, unstable in career and someone who is easily fooled or gave in to lies and sweet “I love you”, “I want to marry you” words. I allowed myself to be sucked-in into the “Blackhole” and I gave myself 15 minutes to be immersed back into that hell situations and right after that moment, I opened my eyes and I told myself with strong conviction, “Honey, you know what? From today onwards, no one will ever tell you what to do. You no longer have to tolerate others and try to please others or pretend to agree to make others happy and live for others or useless men, who only know how to break your heart. YOU will be You and You’ll live for yourself.”

I threw all the TRASH-es I found, which I found them completely useless and demoralising, if you can describe them in that manner. I “beautify” my jewellery wardrobe and made them as if I owned an accessories exhibition, privately in my room. Trust me, I am absolutely pleased with my new creation. I changed my study table to my “motivational” working table, where only motivational and inspirational books around me allowed. Books, which can give me imagination and added the power to my thought to make me go on. I put pictures of myself since baby ’til now and I started to put pictures of the next countries I wanted to go holidays for.

I am jobless right now. But, I still never give up and keep on believeing that something good will going to happen real soon. My life have been bad for long enough; 10 over years living in relationships, which eventually brought  me down to a career-less woman, who still doesn’t know what she should do with her life up, even up ’til today. However, from that minute on, after I refurnished my room and as I sit down here, writing… I know this is the beginning of my new beginning.

Life is like a ball… Like a circle. Or maybe… Wavelength, an oscillation. When life reaches to the bottom rock, it will not go down any further… It will only recover.

 

Love,

Leo

PS: FYI, I even cut my hair short once again (from waist to 2 inches below my shoulder length). I feel re-newed

Chapter 1 : The Gathering

18th of February 2009, Wednesday. After a long absence from the gals since September 2008 (Shirley’s Wedding), finally I am IN for my first gathering of the year with the gals (no, women) in 2009. At 6.45 pm ; Takashimaya Cartier, I called one of the gals and just as I have expected earlier, I am the earliest. Well I’m ain’t complaining; any one of us (at least) is accustomed to the trend. There are approximately 10 of us in total, however 7 are expected to be present in this gathering. I met Shirley and Ross 17 minutes later just outside the irresistable high end boutique, Chanel and we were fast to summarize each others updated career. Cindy reached not long after. “Hi”, greeted Cindy with her usual hostile with less smile look and not forgetting her folded arms….. as usual. Annoyed, Shirley replied her greeting by, “Wow, you’ve known us for 100 years.” Ross joined Shirleys annoyed club with, “As Usual. Her styles that never change.” I laughed. It was as if I was back to how we used to be, except that me being jobless. We were discussing where we should have our dinner; “Not so high-class restaurant…” Shirley claimed, “… as I am broke. Time is hard now and I am tightening my belt”. Everyone of us agreed and Ross suggested “MOS BURGER” and this annoyed Cindy more, however, being such a dear friend, she followed suit. We stepped into Mos Burger quickly and realised we were pretty uncomfortable with the whole thing. 5 minutes later, we settled ourselves almost immediately at the reasonably-prized pasta restaurant with a reasonably comfortable corner seats to fit in 7 of us, across the MOS Burger, PASTA. Angeline joined in 10 minutes later after we ordered our food. Shela called, informing us that she wasn’t be able to attend the gathering as she was too exhausted from running a whole day of errands and our Lady Ying (I named her) would be absolutely late as usual, doing her tautological routines (it’s neccessary for her); to go straight home after work just to shower herself with her beloved shower gel and moisturizer, changed to a new set of appropriate clothings (regardless we are clubbing or not), then meet us wherever we’ll be. FYI, another nickname I gave her is “Dancing Queen” as she was and is, still a hardcore clubber. We had a little walk in Taka’s cosmetic department, where GOSH! … the place , where I’ll never fail to become immediately aware about how I look over the years. I admit, I always appear non-chalant about my face, alas, I spotted a few wrinkles around my mouth, my eyes, my forehead and my nose (or even my face). I turned to my 5 gal friends, showing my contempteous look and said, “Hey, you know what? My Face… How i hated my face, I mean is there actually a face gel that can helped me to get rid of the baby fats on my jaws and cheeks area? ‘Cause I feel irritated that no matter how skinny I am, I still look chubby and what can be worst than that of when I put on weight? Think about when I got pregnant! I can never be as pretty, sexy, jaw-lined maintained pregnant women like most of your long and sharp faced gals have. Even when I am smiling, cellulites appear everywhere around my face. LOOK!” I smiled in front of them and the 5 gathered around me, right in front one of Biotherm cosmetic counter and started to scrutinize me. 5 secs later, one by one left and said, “Let’s go, girls. We hate her.” with another replying, “Yeah… She doesn’t know what she is talking about”, “Precisely. She is crazy and too obsessed with skinny face.” “For your info, that’s what I called dimple. Not baby fats… Not even closer.” So…whatever. We proceeded to our aforementioned cafe across the street; 24 hours ‘Coffee Club Express’, near Cathay Cinema. We each had our own fav drinks and as usual I still sticked to my Ice Mocha Vanilla faithfully, whenever I patronizing their cafe. Our conversations were all about updating more deeply into our very own personal life (except mine); marriage, houses, relationships, etc. Then, we started to plan about upcoming events we want to hold; Angelina’s birthday coming up soon and we thought of holding a birthday party for her over some budget hotel and came up with costumes theme (We used to have a lingerie party at the old Crown Prince Hotel across Paragon to celebrate Cindy’s birthday). Other events including, Cycling at East Coast Park, Short Trip Holiday to Batam, Bintan or maybe Taiwan, Thailand or once again, Hong Kong together (though I never joined them before) AND CLUBBING. Yes… Clubbing. That was where our Lady Ying widened up her eyes with excitement and said, “Wow, that sounds good!” All of us turned our head to look at her with our “it’s-expected” smile and Shirley said, “I know you will be excited over it. You are the only hard core clubber among us where we, except you already dissappeared from the clubbing scene for the longest time we know.” Defending herself, she said, “Hey, I have not been clubbing for a very long time, mind you! The last time I clubbed was…..” . Trying to figure out when… “….was last year December”, she replied confidentaly. Angelina, being one her closest, “Really? I thought you went recently, not quite long ago. You’ve told me about it.” “REALLY?”, Claimed the Lady… Still thinking…”I think January”. Cindy, also one of the closest, probably who always know her moves said, “I thought it was February, you told me about it. Yeah, it’s on the MID-FEBRUARY, THAT WAS IT!”. Tired and Gave up from thinking hard, “15th Feb, Aiyah! Whatever. what’s the diff anyway. Ok… It’s Feb…” . And We too…. gave up. And so… We headed to our own home before 1/2 to midnight to catch public transport and for some, to avoid mid night charges, with an excellently happy mood. I am absolutely glad to have a meet up with them. Though I never really enganged much in womens conversation, I feel like, I’m entering into our very own version of “The Sex and the City”, except that none of us are so driven to have sex with every men in the city, but a happily married ones, have babies, stable relationships and Way Much BIGGER number of us in a Group than Just 4! With Love, Leo (PS: Gals, you are the best… You made my day)